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What
do the bride, groom and guests have in common?
Etiquette.
“Not
only do the people doing the entertaining have obligations
to the guests but the guests have obligations to the
bride and groom,” says etiquette expert and author
Susan Fitter Sloane.
Her
guiding principles:
Bride
and groom responsibilities
1.
Set up your reception to increase social interaction.
“You
don’t want the elderly going to one table and the
young ones going to another, which often happens at
receptions,” Fitter Sloane says. She recommends
incorporating activities that promote interaction among
guests. Fitter Sloane, who recently remarried, had guests
write their best wishes on small rocks for her garden.
“People loved it. They talked. It was terrific.”
Fitter Sloane hired an a cappella singing group to stroll
the reception area, chat with guests and take requests
— a strategy that also promoted socializing. Two
teenage girls with good social skills were hired to
mingle with guests, especially those sitting alone.
2.
Greet every person and engage them in a brief conversation.
Fitter
Sloane isn’t a big fan of reception lines, especially
for large weddings.
She
and her husband invited 175 guests to their reception
and greeted as many people as they could as a couple,
then divided and conquered. “We made sure we said
‘Hi’ to every person.” As the evening
continued, Fitter Sloane made a second sweep of the
room.
3.
Be on time for your reception and stay for the entire
event.
It’s
bad manners for the bride and groom to skip out early.
“Treat your reception like a party and stay until
the end.”
4.
Choose a variety of music.
Don’t
choose what you like without considering your guests’
tastes, Fitter Sloane says. “Older guests will
complain that the music was too loud and they couldn’t
relate to it.”
5.
Send thank-you notes.
The
accepted time frame is up to three months after the
wedding. Again, divide and conquer when it comes to
writing thank-you notes and get help if you need it,
Fitter Sloane says.
6.
Communicate your expectations about dress code and children.
Let
people know whether it’s cocktail or casual attire,
and if children are invited, Fitter Sloane says.
Guest
responsibilities
1.
RSVP within a week of receiving your invitation, and
honor requests about guests.
“E-mail,
phone or write. And say whether you’re going to
bring a guest, if that has been offered to you,”
she says. If the invitation doesn’t mention a guest,
call the hostess and ask if it’s OK to bring someone
to the wedding. The exclusion may have been an oversight.
2.
Bring or send a gift.
“If
you’re issued an invitation for a wedding, you
have to respond in some way,” Fitter Sloane says.
Send a congratulatory card and a small gift, or make
a charitable contribution in the couple’s name.
How much should you spend on a gift? The national average,
according to the National Bridal Association, is $50
to $80.
3.
Greet the bride and groom properly.
Wish
the bridal couple congratulations and best wishes.
4.
Wear appropriate attire.
Respect
the bride’s wishes about attire. If you have questions,
ask. Your outfit shouldn’t shift attention away
from the bride.
5.
Don’t drink too much.
“Watch
your alcohol intake. Alcohol lowers our inhibitions,”
she says.
6.
Mingle. Guests have a responsibility to meet everyone
and to mingle.
Susan
Fitter Sloane is the founder and managing director of
Global Manners, an international etiquette consultancy.
She is certified in adult and corporate etiquette and
international protocol. Learn more about her at www.globalmanners.com.
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‘We
all Have a Crazy Relative’
Difficult
family members can be a challenge for the bride
and groom, but with some empathy and foresight,
the couple can head off problems before they occur.
Susan
Fitter Sloane, a lifestyle and etiquette expert
based in Middleburg, Va., says understanding can
help you through the crisis.
“We
all have a crazy relative. You have to say, ‘Love
me, love my children, love my dog and love my
crazy relatives,’” Fitter Sloane says.
By
anticipating problems, Fitter Sloane says couples
can ease stress and create a happier celebration.
It’s important for the bride and groom to
communicate ahead of time and consider each other’s
expectations and family situations.
As
cultures and families combine, second marriages
can create social conundrums. To avoid embarrassing
situations, assign someone to watch the relative
who may get out of hand, have too much to drink
or become overly emotional.
Fitter
Sloane cites her own wedding as an example. Both
she and her husband, Stanton Sloane, had spouses
from previous marriages who had died. Their ceremony
turned emotional for a family member from Stanton’s
first marriage. During the wedding reception,
a guest broke down in tears after drinking too
much alcohol. It was a situation that could have
been avoided, Fitter Sloane says.
“Her
inhibitions were lowered and she was inconsolable.
There were things I could have done ahead of time.
It had to be hard for her.”
It’s
important, she says, to consider others’
feelings when planning the wedding and reception.
“If
you have a good measure of empathy you can figure
things out,” Fitter Sloane says. “Everyone
has baggage. Try to understand where the person
is coming from.”
But
don’t lose sleep worrying about his or her
attitude or behavior. Instead, focus your energy
on the people who share your happiness.
“It’s
about you and your joy,” Fitter Sloane says.
— Carol Fettin
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