Breaking Brad: Tourney time in Omaha; sweet police chief pension - Omaha.com
Published Thursday, March 15, 2012 at 12:01 am / Updated at 1:55 pm
Breaking Brad: Tourney time in Omaha; sweet police chief pension

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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There's an extra dose of Brad today. Check out his "Most annoying people and things tournament."

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* According to a Pew Center poll, Republican voters may be tiring of the primary process. Apparently, 60 percent of GOP voters say that instead of through primaries and caucuses, the nominee should just be chosen with a quick game of rock, paper, scissors.

* George Clooney attended the White House state dinner for British Prime Minister David Cameron without girlfriend Stacy Keibler. Too bad. It would have marked a historic first meeting between a foreign head of state and a professional wrestler.

* Rick Santorum told a crowd in San Juan that Puerto Rico needs to adopt English as its principal language if it wants statehood. Let me explain what's going on here. Even though Santorum was physically in San Juan, when he made that statement he was actually campaigning in Louisiana, rural Michigan and Idaho.

* Omaha police are establishing a strong presence near the CenturyLink Center during the NCAA tournament. This is so important, the Omaha chief of police has vowed not to retire once during the tourney.

* The strong police presence is necessary to deal with rival gangs. Of course, I'm talking about Missouri and Kansas fans.

* Due to a shortage of parking, Omahans who work downtown are urged to park in Clarinda, Iowa.

* Wednesday at 8 a.m., the new Walmart in Blair opened. Customers could win prizes when fake money in tubes was passed out to the crowd. Is that a great idea, handing out authentic-looking counterfeit money to a crowd right before a store opening?

* I'm checking to see if Omaha can pay its police chief pensions with this fake money.

* Police in Norfolk, Neb. pulled over an 11-year-old girl who was driving a car. The streets of Norfolk are no place for someone with the driving skills of an 11-year-old. The streets of Omaha are the place for someone with the driving skills of an 11-year-old.

* A fifth-grader at Omaha's Columbian school got in trouble for organizing an NCAA Tournament pool. Great. We have one kid proving he has what it takes to join the American workforce and he's in trouble.

* Why is he in trouble? He charged $5 to enter the bracket. The kid has a better economic plan than anyone on our City Council.

* Wednesday night the British prime minister, David Cameron, and his wife were honored at a White House state dinner. To make them feel at home, really bad food was served.

* Dinner was served in an air-conditioned tent. You know, so White House officials could experience what it's like to be homeless.

* Mrs. Obama and Mrs. Cameron both wore blue. I tell you, there are Creighton fans everywhere.

* David Cameron received a 19-gun salute at the White House. Because it's Washington, D.C., half of that was just random gunfire.

* There's talk of a Santorum-Gingrich ticket. The big problem would be that every time President Santorum leaves the country, Vice President Gingrich would board up the White House and declare himself commander in chief.

* With about half of the vitriolic GOP primaries and caucuses completed, CBS has projected that the big winner is President Barack Obama.

* Mitt Romney lost in Alabama and Mississippi after having problems relating to people in the deep South. For instance, take the time he said, "I'm fixin' to get some exercise. Where's y'all's polo club?"

* Polls of voters leaving polling places in Mississippi had Mitt Romney winning easily. This is the only thrill in voting nowadays - lying to the pollsters.

* A new group asks, "Who would Jesus vote for?" I'm pretty sure Jesus would have given up on politics right around the time of the Anthony Weiner scandal.

* The Obama campaign has released a 17-minute film called "The Road We've Traveled," which features Obama and his staff. It's just like any Hollywood-produced movie, only with fewer liberals.

* President Obama was just heckled by a woman at one of his own fundraisers. Then he told his mother-in-law to sit down.

* Republican Sen. Olympia Snowe from Maine is leaving office, citing all the polarization in Washington. Tea party members were too busy finishing their Olympia Snowe pinata to comment.

* World-Herald reporter Roger Buddenberg is blogging about his own home improvement project. As much as I genuinely admire the reporters and photographers who've entered war zones, this Buddenberg is the bravest guy I've ever seen.

* The best thing about blogging about a home improvement project: You have a job for life.

* The Seattle Seahawks signed running back Marshawn Lynch to a deal worth $31 million over four years. His agent asked for "Omaha police chief money."

* A female kicker is trying out for the LSU football team. I'd suggest this makes Louisiana a progressive state had voters not just approved that ballot initiative requiring zoo animals to wear pants.

* President Obama just released his NCAA Tournament bracket. Everything is so political nowadays: The Sweet 16 are all from swing states.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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