Breaking Brad: Thursday, Feb. 9

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Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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* On Thursday morning, Omaha Mayor Jim Suttle gave his State of the City address. No surprise, everything in town is still perfect.

* Suttle delivered his speech from Gallup University, which was celebrating its big men's basketball victory over the University of Nebraska.

* Nebraska is one of only five states to fully tax Social Security benefits. We're so tough on retirees that the Legislature is considering new taxes on oat bran and "Matlock" reruns.

* The Merrifield Village Homeowners Association filed a lawsuit against a resident who put up basketball pole for her three sons. It's simply one basketball pole and some concrete, same setup as at the Civic Auditorium.

* You know the normal protocol of a homeowners association. Before filing the suit, first they lobbed in tear gas to give the people inside a chance to change their minds.

* First Sen. Ben Nelson decides not to seek a third term, then Bob Kerrey decides not to run for Senate. A Chicago Cubs fan just told Nebraska Democrats, "I don't know how you can take all this disappointment."

* Rick Santorum released four years of tax records. They show $2.8 million in deductions for sweater vests.

* Newt Gingrich has been complaining about the tone of the election turning ugly. That's a little like Orville Wright saying that planes are a bad thing.

* In Colorado, someone threw blue glitter all over Mitt Romney. I saw a man with perfect hair covered in blue glitter. At first I assumed it was a promotional event for the U.S. Figure Skating Championships in Omaha.

* President Obama is focusing on improving housing. Man, this is when you know that election is right around the corner.

* Obama has just imposed tough new economic sanctions on Iran. Extremely tough. Obama's going to pretend that everyone in the Iranian government is an American citizen earning over $1 million per year.

* Joe Biden said he told President Obama not to conduct the raid that got Osama bin Laden. This is the secret of Obama's success: Find out what Biden says, then do the opposite.

* The new Chicago city vehicle sticker resembles a gang sign. This answers the question "Can anything be worse than the Nebraska license plate design?" with a resounding "Yes."

* Here's one of those "whoops" moments.

* Not to worry. Chicago officials are having a vehicle sticker with a new symbol drawn up. And the artist, M.I.A., should have it completed any day.

* Chrysler continues airing the "It's halftime in America" ads. Since Congress is debating the payroll tax cut and will soon take up another extension to keep the broke government open, it feels more like overtime in America.

* Authorities in London are investigating a UFO described as "a bright light in the sky." Being somewhat familiar with the climate in London, I believe that's called the sun.

* In Florida, a man tried to rob a bank with a pair of underwear on his head. If this is also how he shows up for job interviews, I can see why he needs the money.

* Doctors at the University of Colorado were called in to perform a risky surgery on an orangutan in the Denver Zoo. How'd you like to be told your surgery is rescheduled because the doctor is operating on an orangutan?

* Actually, under Obama's plan, by 2014 all zoo animals will be required to purchase health insurance.

* Nebraska State Fair officials hope to lure more Omahans to Grand Island by offering things that we can't normally find in Omaha. If that's the goal, I'd go with the "good roads and low taxes" exhibit.

* In Fitchburg, Mass., an FBI team conducting a drug raid got the wrong address and cut through an elderly woman's front door with a chainsaw. When she saw the chainsaw cutting through her door the woman thought "It's Girl Scout cookie time again."

* A hardware store is holding a Valentine's Day sale. Note to men: A caulking gun is generally not considered a romantic gift.

* ABC canceled the show "Work It" about two men who dress like women to find work. It was canceled after network executives realized that not one of these actors-dressing-like-women movies and TV shows has been remotely believable. And, yes, I'm including you, "Tootsie."

* Starbucks is going to begin selling beer and wine. The theory being that the only way customers can tolerate the music played at Starbucks is in they're inebriated.

* Starbucks is going to sell beer. This is for people who feel stadium concession beer is just too darned reasonably priced.

* Sixteen-year-old Laura Dekker just sailed solo around the world. She stopped regularly along the route to go cliff diving. Either she's the bravest kid on the planet, or has the most permissive parents, and I suspect a combination.

* For the first time, the new "Bachelorette" is a single mother. Now comes the tough part: explaining to the kids why Mommy is dating 27 guys at once.

* The mayor of Hoboken, N.J., wrote a letter pleading that a spinoff of "Jersey Shore" not film in his city. It was embarrassing enough when the cast of "Jersey Shore" brawled in public, but now they're been told they are not up to the cultural standards of Hoboken.

* Patriots' receiver Wes Welker revealed that Tom Brady has a toilet in his house with a heated, automatic seat. Brady tried to keep this quiet so people don't get jealous. If we aren't already jealous over his Super Bowl rings, his good looks and being married to arguably the world's most beautiful woman, I doubt anyone's going to drool with envy over the toilet.

* NASA made public a photo of earth from hundreds of miles of space. Everything is so far away that initially I thought the picture was taken from the student section at a Nebraska football home game.

* The NFL Draft begins April 26. Right now, owner Robert Kraft and coach Bill Belichick are waiting to hear from Gisele Bundchen who the Patriots will pick first.

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