Annie's Mailbox: Too many Jordans

Dear Annie: My wife, "Jane," and I have been married for five years, and she is the love of my life. She has an identical twin sister named "Jordan." The two women are best friends. Jordan is at our house four or five times a week, but does not impose on our marriage. She is a great sister-in-law and gives us our space.

Jane has an 8-year-old son from a previous relationship whose middle name is also Jordan, after his aunt. I've watched the boy grow up and have gotten to know him well over the past several years. I love him as if he were my own.

Recently, Jane discovered she is pregnant with our first child. Naturally, I'm thrilled. However, despite my objections, she is determined to name the child Jordan, regardless of gender. Ordinarily, I wouldn't care, because Aunt Jordan is a good role model. But there are already two people in the family who have that name.

Am I right, or should I be more sensitive to my wife's wishes?

Steve in Ohio

Dear Steve: You need to be sensitive to hers, but she also needs to be sensitive to yours. Ask her to compromise. Point out how confusing it could be if both your child and Aunt Jordan are in the same room. And some children are highly sensitive to being named for a relative of the opposite sex. You also can agree wholeheartedly to have it as a less-used middle name instead.

But if your attempts prove futile, it may not be worth the damage a protracted argument would cause. Children somehow manage to grow up just fine in families where multiple people are named for the same relative. And if the confusion is too great, you can call your child by a nickname.

Dear Annie: My daughter is 27, and her fiance is 29. Several months ago, they announced their engagement and set a wedding date for November. However, her fiance has medical issues, and they wanted him to be covered under her plan, so they decided to get married earlier.

I was told about this, and it was OK with me, provided it was legal. As it turns out, they had a nice little wedding in a park with guests and family members who live nearby. My wife and I were out of town, so I was allowed to call in and hear it via teleconference.

Now that they are legally married, however, they still want a "real" wedding in November. My daughter's mother died four years ago, so it's just my new wife and I who would be handling it. Should we call it a wedding or just an event or something else?

Robert

Dear Robert: We hope your daughter and her fiance are financing and arranging their own wedding, regardless of what they call it. Fortunately, it's not your job to come up with a title for the event. Your safest bet is to call it whatever your daughter prefers, be it "wedding," "renewal of vows," "marriage reception," "wedding party" or anything else.

Dear Annie: Like "Unhappy Husband," I am confused and disappointed that my wife enjoys sex but will not initiate it. I would feel happier if I knew she was sexually attracted to me. This may sound silly, but it isn't simply the act of sex that is important. It's the feeling of connectedness and the belief that she wants to be emotionally joined to me.

It's particularly discouraging when she says, "Do we have to do it now?" What man is going to say he needs sex? I feel rejected. On those occasions when she changes her mind, she will say, "I suppose we can have sex now." This is not exciting, supportive or romantic.

I have told her how I feel, and we have discussed it to the point where I will not talk about it anymore.

Also Unhappy

Dear Unhappy: Professional counseling may help your communication issues. Please try.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been together for nine years. His parents are divorced. His mother has always made me feel welcome, but I have never been comfortable around my father-in-law. He is cold and doesn't acknowledge me. I am less than thrilled when we have to go to his house.

Two years ago, I had a hysterectomy. My father-in-law called later in the week and acted offended that no one had informed him that the surgery went well. But, Annie, even my husband didn't think the man would care a whit.

Is it acceptable for me to simply bow out of the picture? My husband and kids can spend time with my father-in-law, but I'd rather not. I find it painful to be around him. How do I communicate this without causing a rift?

Outsider

Dear Outsider: Some people give the impression of being remote, when in reality, they are socially awkward. Your father-in-law may care very much, but doesn't know how to show it, so he appears aloof. Since he is family and his major flaw is coldness, not meanness, we'd suggest putting up with it when you can. That means seeing Dad once every third visit or so. That should be enough to maintain the relationship, while still giving you some respite.

Contact the writer:

anniesmailbox@comcast.net

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