Breaking Brad: Monday, Feb. 6

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Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad" appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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* The UNO soccer dome was damaged when it was ruptured by the winter storm. It was also reported that the Civic Auditorium suffered severe damage that left it unusable. Then someone remembered that it was like that before the storm.

* During the Super Bowl halftime show, Madonna slipped and almost fell. She came so close to going down, her "I've fallen and I can't get up device" was triggered.

* There is zero truth to the rumor that Madonna tripped on a banana peel tossed by Lady Gaga.

* On Monday there was a water main break in Bellevue. Because the streets haven't been slick enough lately without two feet of flowing water right before a hard freeze.

* This just in: The symposium "Whatever Happened To Winter?" has been canceled.

* Due to the winter storm, many civic functions in Omaha were canceled, but several Beer Week-related festivities went on. Now that we've established the priorities in town, we can proceed.

* Lincoln received 13 and a half inches of snow in places. Bedbugs were entering UNL residence halls eight at a time on toboggans.

* Thirteen and a half inches. To put it in Super Bowl terms, that's half a Danny Woodhead.

* Denver International Airport is reporting delays, lost luggage and general chaos. So things are already back to normal.

* In labor news, 240,000 new jobs have been created. All for dogs to star in Super Bowl commercials.

* The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI. On one bizarre play near the end, New England's defense didn't put out any effort to let the Giants score. The Pats said that if they knew their defense wasn't gonna put out any effort, they would've signed Albert Haynesworth.

* How about that swarming Giants defense? I haven't seen gang tackling like that since GOP leaders tried to stop Newt Gingrich from continuing in the race.

* On Super Bowl Sunday, Americans drink lots of beer and consume tons of chicken wings. It's the holiday where the entire nation turns into one huge Hooters.

* During Madonna's halftime show, M.I.A. gave the middle finger to the cameras. If you didn't know, M.I.A. stands for Missing Intellect Apparently.

* With the Giants playing, obviously the gesture was a tribute to New York City.

* NFL officials immediately announced that she would be M.I.A. for the next 257 Super Bowl halftime shows.

* The pregame show was so long, by the end NBC ran out of interesting topics. The last half-hour was devoted to the feature "Backup Punters: The Unsung Men of the Game."

* President Obama did an interview on NBC before the game. Meanwhile, Joe Biden was seen at the Puppy Bowl, walking the field with a pooper scooper.

* An alien spaceship landed on Earth during the game. The aliens watched the Super Bowl ads, concluded there is no intelligent life here and returned to their home planet.

* The Ferris Bueller character appeared in a commercial driving a Honda. Last time seen, Ferris was driving a Ferrari. That's a pretty good metaphor for the U.S. economy the past 25 years.

* Americans spent an estimated $5 billion on snacks to eat during the Super Bowl. Yet we're unable to fund our Roth IRAs.

* A New Jersey zoo camel picked the Giants to beat the Patriots. Las Vegas had the Patriots favored. If you're keeping track, it's camels, one; bookies, 0.

* Mitt Romney won the Nevada caucuses by a huge margin. Romney looked at home in Nevada and indeed awed many of the acts on the Vegas Strip. Take the Cirque du Soleil troop. Members said they'd never seen anyone who changes positions faster than they do.

* Romney and Siegfried & Roy are old friends, having met in line at the bank in Munich where all three had accounts.

* The Nebraska Legislature has given first round approval requiring ranchers to control their prairie dog populations. The big challenge, of course, is getting the condoms on the prairie dogs.

* Sen Mike Johanns said he's now in favor of legislation to force the approval of the Keystone XL pipeline. Why stop there? We could also use a pipeline carrying No Doz running through the Senate chamber for when Johanns is speaking.

* Paula Deen is at sea hosting her Paula Deen Party Cruise. The EPA and Coast Guard are watching closely. If a Paula Deen-cooked dish were to fall into the ocean, it'd do more environmental damage than the Exxon Valdez oil spill.

* On the Paula Deen Cruise, 300 people set sail from New Orleans on a giant strip of cheese-covered bacon.

* A two-headed, freeze-dried pig is for sale at a New York store. So if your partner says, "Surprise me," on Valentine's Day, this should do the trick.

* Paris Hilton's second music CD is about to be released. If this one is half as good as the first Paris Hilton album, then it will really, really stink.

* On YouTube there is now an adorable video of a bunny rabbit herding sheep. I'm surprised anyone found time to watch the Super Bowl.

* A conservative group is blasting Miley Cyrus for posing with "a penis-shaped cake." I'm just glad Miley grew up in the wholesome Disney environment or hard telling how she'd have turned out.

* During a performance by Christina Aguilera, it appeared that her spray-on tan dripped down her legs. This may be the first Christina Aguilera performance that I'm sorry I missed.

* The Patriots cut receiver Tiquan Underwood the day before the Super Bowl. That pea-sized object detected by ultrasound during Bill Belichick's last physical: his heart.

* UNO is looking into playing an outdoor hockey game at TD Ameritrade Park next season. It's going to be tough to work it into the busy TD Ameritrade winter schedule. Somehow, they'll have to wedge it in between the Hopscotch Regionals and the Elk-Shearing Festival.
　

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