People find comfort in knowing they are not the only ones with an imperfect family. But when it comes to wedding planning, you'd probably rather give up the comfort of knowing you are on common ground for the promise of a conflict-free day of nuptials.
Just as your sweetie probably didn't ride into your life on a white horse, a wedding without family disagreements is highly unlikely. Even happy families have differences. And when a family is fractured and feuding, well, the conflicts can touch every part of the event, from the invitations to the wedding day.
“When I married my first husband, I thought that my father and stepmother deserved to be invited,” says Omaha therapist Elaine Wells. “My mother, who had harbored anger and resentment toward my father for decades, threatened not to pay for the reception if ‘they' were invited. She also told me she couldn't promise that she would behave appropriately if she saw my father.”
Wells told her mother, “If you behave badly, everyone will feel sorry for me and embarrassed for you.” Wells, who is known as “The Couples Coach,” also announced that she and her fiancé were prepared to arrange for a simpler affair and pay for it themselves.
If your family could use help in the management department, take heart. Experts say that while you cannot eliminate strife from the wedding-planning process (not even if you elope), you can make sure your family's dysfunction does not affect your wedding.
There's no escape
Family therapist William J. Doherty and his daughter, Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, are co-authors of “Take Back Your Wedding” (BookSurge Publishing, 2007), for brides in sticky situations. The idea for the book stemmed from watching Elizabeth navigate bridal list services and message boards for advice while planning her nuptials.
Even if you elope, says Doherty, a faculty member at the University of Minnesota, you aren't going to escape family drama. There still will be hurt feelings among those who were excluded. If what you really want is a ceremony with friends and family (be it 10 or 100), ditch that elopement talk, and get busy identifying where things could go wrong with your family.
Experts say the most common family conflicts are over guest lists (whom to invite and exclude), money (even budget weddings are expensive affairs), in-law issues (by definition, a wedding is two families coming together) and perhaps the most acrimonious of all, divorced families (concerns about blending families and guilt and worry).
Threats, not promises
Furious family members might make threats but, according to Doherty, “People rarely follow through with boycott threats. If you do not go to your child's wedding, everybody knows it. There is literally a space being held for you.” That doesn't mean you can ignore your dad's boycott threats if your mom brings her new beau, but it is something to keep in mind as you negotiate a middle ground.
Wells' mother eventually came around. “Within a few days she announced that she would be on good behavior, and that she would take care of the reception. It was amazing how quickly my mother realized that she was not willing to torpedo a beautiful wedding and her daughter's happiness by insisting on her own preferences.”
When there are potential issues, one of the most important steps is also one of the most basic, says New York psychologist and family therapist Ella Lasky. You have to talk to the family member who might have a concern. It is part of what the ceremony does to establish your status as an adult couple.
Managing the madness
Divorce and remarriage make the stakeholders grow. “Again, no one is as important as the bride and groom, so they need to be clear and specific about what would please them most, as well as the points on which they can yield,” Wells says. “The better they can articulate their reasons and rationales in a respectful and empathic way, the more likely they are to win the cooperation of other participants.”
The most important thing, Wells says, is for the bride and groom to have a day that is memorable for its beauty and harmony. “In my experience, most family members are willing to subordinate their preferences if the bride and groom are united and assertive in expressing what they want.”
Theresa Farrage, a freelance writer based in Omaha, contributed to this account from CTW Features.
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