Religious differences need to be discussed. Here’s why.

By Wayne Brekke

For most couples, a relationship that blossoms into a marriage proposal produces an exciting, life-changing series of events. Couples of different religious backgrounds, however, face a special set of issues and considerations that can lead to serious problems if not addressed.

Faith differences may not be a big issue if you or your partner are not heavily committed to your religion.
But if you each observe separate religious practices, you’ll need to discuss how your religions will be practiced and respected ­— not just in the marriage ceremony but throughout your married life.

Tracy and Stephanie Silverman found a happy medium in combining their Christian and Jewish traditions and developing a spiritual relationship that both can relate to and appreciate.

“We’re not really service-going people, so in our case it was easier than other Jewish/non-Jewish couples,” said Stephanie. “We didn’t have to deal with it much in the beginning, but after the wedding we had to consider holidays with the kids. We honor both traditions and celebrate Hanukkah as well as Christmas. We light the menorah, do a little dreidel and put up a tree. Santa comes as well. Basically, it’s an obscene amount of presents for the entire month of December.”

Marriage preparation counseling, experts agree, is an important exercise for interfaith couples.

“It’s very important that each person does some serious self-exploration,” said Theresa O’Halloran of In Harmony Counseling and Consultation. “It’s also important to examine how committed you are to your faith and what that means to you, because you need to communicate your expectations. Religion will come up in child rearing, celebrating the holidays and how you see your partner participating in your faith.”

Many times, couples will take an attitude that their love will guide them through the trials and tribulations of marriage. When religions are different, you have to dig deep into the core values of your life as a couple or risk undermining the success of your marriage.

“Many interfaith couples seem to have this shared set of spiritual values that works for them,” said Bob Thome, a marriage-preparation facilitator with FOCCUS, a program used in the Archdiocese of Omaha. “These values are long term. Over time, they rise to the surface and the couple then must look at how they want to actually live their married life. The values guide how they set up their lives.”

FOCCUS, short for Facilitating Open Couple Communication, Understanding and Study, is a nationwide program designed for couples preparing for marriage or seriously considering marriage.

Thome connects with about 30 engaged couples a week. He helps them examine their current and future lives and openly address issues that may affect their marriage. Inevitably, about one out of 30 couples finds that they are not suited for marriage, he said.

“I encourage every couple to go through marriage preparation,” Thome said. Interfaith couples can benefit from examination of their spiritual values. “Much of the success of a marriage is based on their understanding and their ability to make their spiritual values work for them.”

Often, age and experience can be a factor in identifying potential interfaith problems. The flurry and emotion of a passionate relationship can result in glossing over religious issues that can be hard to cope with months or years into the marriage.

“Many times faith is not a priority when couples are 22 or 25,” Thome said. “But down the road it will be. Working it out later is not the way to go.”